“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)(NIV)
How many of us just want to be seen? Really seen!! Not just our faces, what we wear, our bodies, and where we live, but really seen for who we are. Oh, how we long to be loved. Deep down we all have that primal desire to be liked, loved, held, and cherished. Where do we look to have these desires fulfilled? Looking at today’s society, and my past, I say we often try to fill all these holes with what the world has to offer.
My story begins with memories of my mom being sick. There were some days that were awesome, playing with my brothers and family friends in the woods, but mostly I remember wanting a horse and not understanding why my mom was not getting better. I would find myself being mad at the fact my mom always seemed to need my help. I wanted to get away from my lack of understanding of what was really going on with her, so I would hide away with my toy horses, my dog, and my cat.
My mom died after my sixth birthday. I did not fully realize she was gone forever. Death is funny that way — once somebody dies you never see them again in this world. The concept of death is hard to understand as a six year old. I had extreme learning disabilities so school was no fun either. Every day was a struggle, and this, mixed with being an introvert, made my life turn into a very lonely place. My family was there, but my oldest brother was headed away for college, my dad got remarried, and my other brother soon left the house to go to college. I was all alone again and people I trusted kept leaving.
The only ray of sunshine were the hours and days I spent at the barn around the horses and dogs that did not care if I could spell or count. They did not ask me about my mom. There were no questions, just quiet patience for me and unconditional love. I hid as much as I could at the barn away from people and away from the judgmental eyes of my peers who seemed to say I was not dressed right, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or talking the cool way. God was there — He was there since I was little — but did He really love me? Did He even see me? He’s not even physically in my world! He was like my mom who went somewhere I could not see and I could not even use a phone to give Him a call.
I limped through school and somehow I graduated and started going to a local college that would eventually take me to the University of Georgia. During my freshman year at the local college, the strangest thing happened. A man that my peers said was hot noticed me! Not the dozen other girls in my class, but me. The most good looking guy actually noticed me. I did the whole look behind myself and then pointed to myself to say, “You saying hello to me?” I was head over heels in what I thought was love at first sight, but now realize it was anything but love. I gave whatever that man asked for without question. He loved me and I loved him. He was filling those long empty holes from my childhood. He saw me, he loved me, and he cherished me, so I thought until the day he took everything I had to give. After that, the mind manipulation and physical abuse started. I was so blinded by what I thought was love that I stayed by this man’s side for five years through his bipolar disorder.
Towards the end, I wanted to leave the relationship. I was broken and my spirit was crushed, but then he dug up our past and threatened to expose me to the world, to my family, and to my dad’s church. I was terrified that this man I had trusted had turned on me so drastically. I felt like I could not leave. I stayed another year until I could not take being around him anymore. I told my family the truth so that my past secrets could be brought to the light. It was the worst and best day of my life. The truth really does set you free. That day, in my early 20s, was the first day the Lord tried to break through to me and tell me that He was enough and He could fill my aching heart and protect me from men I now feared and hated. I wish I had been open enough to listen to Him.
Instead, I went on for another ten years from man to man, hoping to find the bottom of where true satisfaction comes from. Not the 10 minute kind that comes after a kiss or a night of drinking, but the true satisfaction that brings what I had so desperately been looking for: peace. I had been running and arguing with the Lord for so long, but that running and arguing wore me down. I was exhausted, I hated people, I hated myself, and I did not even want to be in this world anymore. I was ready to take my life, but two things kept me from making that decision. One was the unconditional love and loyalty my family continued to give me and two was a very faint whisper from God that He was still there. After years of searching the darkest places, God was still there and He was calling me out of this whole world of successful, beautiful, smart, and well qualified people. He was actually calling me.
He said, “I see you, I hear your cry, I feel your pain, I see and feel the fear from the monsters that fill your mind after dark, and I STILL LOVE YOU! Leave the money, leave the men, leave your horses, and come follow me. I have what you can not find and I will protect you.” Even though I had kept the Lord at arm’s length for years, He had continually saved my life after I put myself in dangerous situations time and time again. He never gave up on me and now I was finally ready to listen to His still small voice.
So, after 32 years, I left everything. Hardest decision of my life. I walked off the cliff with my Lord and, oh, how He is a savior. I dropped below the poverty line, but just as God feeds the birds in Matthew 6, He fed me. I somehow had just enough to pay rent, gas, food for my dogs and my horses, and then in most cases there was a little left for me. When there was not enough food, I almost always got an invitation for dinner from a friend or family. That first year was a test. What I thought the Lord wanted me to do was not working out, but I was done arguing with the Lord. I stuck so close to the Lord He was all I could see.
As the Lord took over my focus, His qualities started to fill my broken holes and cracks. My heart started to love people again. My deep need for affection was starting to be filled by my savior. My need to be seen went from physical to spiritual. Once the Lord healed me and changed my worldly focus to a Godly focus, He filled my cup until it overflowed.
I currently have a job that pays the bills and gives me the ability to be around everything that I love. I have a husband that loves me not for what he can get and take from me, but for what we can accomplish for each other and together. The Lord has even made it possible to keep my number one passion, my horses. I may be on the sidelines of my passion, but that is ok. I can still go riding any time I want to and the Lord knew that was going to be enough to satisfy me. To top off His continual blessing, my husband and I are going to have a baby May 27, 2022! So we started off by thinking the world is who needs to see us, but the world only sees our outward appearance. I can try to love you by what you show me, but I will fail because I, unlike our Lord and Savior, can not see and hear your heart. Your silent pleas in the middle of the night, no I can not truly love you because I did not create you, but I know who did and He is dying to love you just the way you alone need to be loved. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalms 139:13)(NIV)
My hope is that my pain will help you say yes to the Lord and what He has to offer earlier than myself. Maybe you will avoid extra years of regret and maybe you will find hope that will keep you from ending your life. The Lord is here and He sees you. Reach out and He will grab you and never let go. I love you, but OUR CREATOR WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU MORE... He created you…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.” (2 Samuel 22:17)(NIV)
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