When given the opportunity to write for A New Day, my first thought was that I should write about something that I’ve wrestled with, taken to Jesus, then walked through with His grace and power. Something that I no longer have to face on a daily basis. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the hard things, the things that don’t ever really go away, are what I needed to hear about in high school.
For me, that thing is comparison. No matter how great I feel about myself and who God created me to be on any given day, I often can’t help but let comparison creep in. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned ways to manage it (which I can’t wait to share with y’all!), but when I was in high school it was a battle I faced in every single class, friend group, event, or interaction I found myself in.
I don’t look like her. I don’t have those clothes she has. I don’t have a boyfriend like she does. I don’t get the grades she does. People don’t like me as much as they like her.
I couldn’t keep myself from going to that place and it made me hate myself. If I don’t have the things she has, why do I deserve to be happy? I genuinely felt that way, and it robbed me of so much joy in high school. As I’ve had time since high school to reflect, I realized that the problem wasn’t anyone else. It wasn’t Jesus or the girl who had what I wanted, it was me. All of the statements you just read about how I talked to myself had one thing in common: the word I. Pride and selfishness told me that I needed to be focusing on myself and all of the things I didn’t have, instead of leaning into who God created me to be. I had heard the verses that told me I was fearfully and wonderfully made, but I refused to believe that it applied to me.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14 (NIV)
I remember one instance so vividly where Psalm 139:14 couldn’t have been further from my mind. Spring of 2019, junior prom. I went with a big group of friends, but everyone in the group had brought their boyfriend or specifically found a date for the night. Me and two other girls didn’t have dates, but at least their parents were there to give them corsages and take pictures. My parents ordered a beautiful corsage for me, but they had an obligation that night that they couldn’t get out of, so I had no one to put the corsage on my wrist. I can’t remember many times in my life where I felt as much shame and embarrassment as standing there in the dress I had already worried wasn’t pretty enough, shoving the corsage on my own wrist while all the moms snapped pictures of the couples pinning the boutonnieres and slipping on the corsages. I could barely stop myself from crying on what was supposed to be one of the best nights of high school, simply and completely because I couldn’t be content with what I had and instead compared every single aspect of my experience to that of the girls around me. I hated myself in that moment.
I didn’t realize though that by hating myself, I was essentially hating God and His design. How arrogant was that of me to think I knew better than the God of the universe? As I’ve gone through college so far and learned more about His character, I’ve come to understand that God loves me so much, and I can’t simultaneously love Him and hate myself. Those two things can’t happen at the same time because if you truly know and love God, then you could never hate something that He created.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 (NIV)
My experience at junior prom was a clear-cut instance of trying to win the approval of human beings. I had the opportunity to make the best of the situation and realize that a single night of not having a date or the prettiest dress had absolutely zero bearing on my worth as a daughter of the King, but instead I did the exact opposite. I’m not saying that you can’t experience sadness in moments of feeling left out or left behind, but the issue comes in when you convince yourself that it’s God’s fault and that you can’t be happy until you have what they have. Look, being the only one in a big group without a date is never going to be fun, but that will never ever mean that the girls with dates have more worth than you.
I think back on high school and all that I missed out on because of how much I compared myself to everyone around me, and it makes me want to shout it from the rooftops that God didn’t create you like anyone else and that He had the most perfect design for you specifically. You’re not supposed to look like her, or dress like her, or think like her. That’s how God designed her. He designed you to be you, not her. When I’m having especially tough days of comparison, I cling to Psalm 139:14, the verse I used to scoff at. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that’s not something to turn my nose up at or think of as cliché. To the girl that’s reading this, you were fearfully and wonderfully made too; please don’t forget that!
I mentioned at the beginning that I was going to share concrete ways to fight comparison as you go through high school, but really just as you go throughout life. Here’s what I’ve come up with over the years:
-Find verses that make you feel loved and valued. Find them, memorize them and cling to them. For example, I love 1 John 3:1 because it reminds me of how much He loves me, the daughter He created so intentionally; “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1 (NIV)
-It sounds silly but give yourself put-ups. In elementary school when someone would say something mean to a classmate, they would have to give that kid put-ups, or things they like about them. When you find yourself falling into comparison and telling yourself negative things, force yourself to write down 3 things you do like about yourself. Keep a running list in your phone, and eventually you’ll come to realize that God gave you so many incredible qualities, all of which are perfectly in line with His purpose for your life specifically.
-Pray and be in the Word. I know everyone gives this action item, but it’s because it is part of the solution for all of our problems. Because Jesus died on the cross for us and bridged the gap that we created with our sin, we get to be in relationship with the Father. Through praying and reading His word, we can begin to know Him better and truly understand how much He loves us. Why not utilize that opportunity and gain a deeper understanding of what being made in His image looks like?
Unfortunately I do have some not-so-fun news: even if you take the time to do all of these steps, I can’t guarantee that you’ll never struggle with comparison ever again. It’s still a daily battle for me and likely will be for you. But here’s the great news: you don’t have to face it alone! Jesus walks alongside us in our struggles, and comparison is no exception. He doesn’t abandon us, but instead renews our mind if we let Him. With the renewal of our minds comes a deeper love for the Father and the ability to recognize that comparison is not and will never be from Him.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 (NIV)
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