When God gives you a trial, He allows it to enter our lives for more reasons than I could name, and usually, those reasons are quite specific and personal to each individual. But there is one reason true of all our trials, yours and mine, one thing that connects us all through difficulty - God desires that we would have a blazing arrow pointing anyone and everyone to HIM, Jesus Christ. To honor HIM, to glorify HIM, to exalt HIM, to praise HIM, to worship HIM, to abandon all but HIM. So, with God knowing my heart, I’m sharing my story that God may be exalted, great things HE has done.
I was raised in a Christian home, with parents who loved me and my siblings very much. church was a priority, Bible reading was encouraged, and I was well-acquainted my whole life with concepts of trial, and faith, and victory through Christ… all wonderful things. But what I didn’t have a lot of, with all that godly teaching, was personal real experience living out the fullness of what those concepts truly are. Until one summer.
In August of 2017, my daughter was a few months shy of 2 years old. She was perfectly healthy, but randomly started getting sick here and there, nothing serious at first, and we kept it moving. Finally, when she wasn’t getting better, we took her to our Children’s Hospital in Atlanta.
We drove to the hospital Sunday afternoon, August 20th, not light and cheery, but not heavy or ominous either. We were expecting to be told, I don’t know what, given a prescription for something minor and sent home in a few hours. Forty-five minutes from the moment we stepped foot in the ER, the doctor came back into our room and sat down in front of us. She didn’t say anything for a second, and my stomach instantly knotted up. Her eyes welled up with tears and she said “Your daughter has leukemia.” You know the silence that makes your ears roar with rushing noises? That’s what I heard, deafening silence. My legs turned to sawdust, and then I almost laughed. My husband gasped and made her repeat the horrific words. She just nodded her head and said the labs they had just drawn indicated that Claire was flooded with leukemia “blasts” they just didn’t know what kind yet. With tears in her eyes she told us that she would give us a few minutes, but oncology wants to come right in and get things moving. ONCOLOGY. You could’ve knocked me over with a feather, but still, my whole body felt like sawdust.
I wanted to throw up. I knew it was all happening in real life, but it still felt like it could not possibly be real. They were going to come in and say that they misread the labs, and we would all breathe a sigh of relief, hear the correct diagnosis, praise Jesus, and go home… because we resist this horror show that seemed to be unfolding. You know, like when something unwelcome is coming at you, so you push it away and yell at it, and it leaves, right? There has to be a way to make that happen with something like this. “No! We don’t want this! You're in the wrong room! Can’t you hear me?!” Waves of knowing I couldn’t do that kept washing over, and over, and over my spirit until it physically felt like I couldn’t breathe.
In no time at all, a different doctor was standing in front of us. I couldn’t believe how fast it was all happening. Arrive at the ER, get labs drawn, doctor leaves, doctor comes back, our life is forever changed, now we’re talking to the on-call CANCER DOCTOR. We were in physical shock. I don’t remember the doctor’s name, I only remember thanking God for him, then and now. He was just so kind. He was so calm. He was so real. He started out by telling us that for the rest of her life, every time she doesn’t feel well, we will wonder if it’s the leukemia. Gut punch. He explained that her blood was full of “blasts," unhealthy cells that are multiplying and consuming the healthy cells. He explained that the unhealthy cells clump up on the liver, kidneys, and spleen and that is why her abdomen is distended and hard and why her skin is jaundiced. He said that she has almost no platelets which is why her gums have been bleeding and why I was seeing bruises that are not injury induced. He said that she would be getting a blood transfusion immediately, as soon as we were in her room on THE CANCER FLOOR, because she is bleeding out from the inside. He said that Tuesday morning, less than 48 hours from then, she would have surgery to put in a port for her chemotherapy. Where is the vomit bucket? He asked if we had any questions. The only thing I remember saying is, “God is going to heal her.” It was mostly a whisper at first because, to be honest, it was not backed with any conviction. There was no great faith welling up inside me; it's only that anything other than that was unthinkable, unspeakable, unimaginable.
Sitting in that triage room, preparing to be wheeled to the cancer floor of CHOA, it felt like we were standing at the mouth of a raging fire, prepared by the enemy to consume us - because we were. The Holy Spirit used His still small voice to put that statement in my mouth, I take no credit. Obedience to His prompting was the only good choice in front of me - I was so afraid, I was so broken, I felt so small.
"The word of faith is near you; it is even in your mouth."
The Bible likens faith to a seed. A seed that is planted and then nurtured doesn’t stay a seed, but it does stay a seed if it is never planted. The word of faith for your fiery furnace is close to you - it is even in your mouth, and God has prepared you for it; but you have to say it, you have to plant it.
The first few hours on the cancer floor were so pivotal in my faith. The Holy Spirit was talking with me, I was trying to make it all make sense, and figure out how to activate that faith I’ve heard so much about all my life. The account of Daniel, the three Hebrew children, and the fiery furnace permeated my mind and heart, it was all I could think about. The Holy Spirit was speaking to my heart about what happened in the furnace - what happened after the furnace. In the fiery furnace there were four men when only three had been thrown in, "and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God." Daniel 3:25. In the fiery furnace "they have no hurt" Daniel 3:25. In the fiery furnace three men that were cast into the fire bound were "loose, walking in the midst of the fire" Daniel 3:25. After the fiery furnace: "Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth out of the midst of the fire. And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king's counselors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was a hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them." Daniel 3:26 & 27. This makes my heart soar! The only thing the fire consumed was what had held them captive, their bands. Claire's leukemia.
After that first night in the hospital talking with God, I determined some things in my heart in preparation for the coming day(s). I determined not to entertain any thoughts or words that did not support Claire as healed and whole, "... bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." What is the obedience of Christ? John 10:10 says "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." What does cancer do but steal, kill, and destroy? So, if it didn't align with life, and life more abundantly, then I would not speak it or allow it to take up space in my thought life. This intentional focus and the actions that would have to follow to support it, was I believe, one of the most important works God did in my heart. I have quoted that verse many times before, but I am convinced, now more than ever, that I was simply "a hearer of the word and not a doer, deceiving myself." James 1:22 I know this because I actually did it this time. Now, when my daughter's life depended on it, I decided it was time to live out what I claimed to believe. It isn't easy - the doing of it made me face how little I had actually ever done it before, but it was worth every ounce of discipline that it took. Taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, and casting down imaginations that were not in agreement with God, and making my words align with God's word every time I opened my mouth unveiled God's power to me personally, in my own heart, mind, and spirit, more than I had ever witnessed or experienced before.
All these truths that God was weaving together in my heart were creating such a beautiful blanket of grace and peace and comfort - I was beginning to feel safe. I was beginning to truly believe that God would heal Claire, not only that He could if He wanted to.
So much has happened since the day of Claire's diagnosis. Our journey has seen pain, and sorrow, and fear, and tears that abound, then and even still... it's all true. But more than all of that, there has been JOY, and VICTORY, and GRACE, and LOVE, and PEACE, and an intimate Heavenly Father who has never left our side, nor has He taken His eyes away from Claire. And the best part of all, God is no respecter of persons. His eye is on the sparrow, consider the lilies, REJOICE!
Fast forward to today - Claire is 7 years old, she’s in first grade, she loves horses almost more than she loves the rest of us, she loves to cheer, and she loves to sing her lungs out for Jesus. She’s the picture of health - God alone be praised. To see her today, you’d never know she was close to death, that she’s had 2 ½ years of chemotherapy treatments, nothing… she doesn’t even smell like smoke.
I don’t know who’s reading this, and I don’t know your story. But I do know that God is faithful to His word, and knows the very number of hairs on your head. I know that He cherishes your trial and that your tears are precious to him… the Bible says that he keeps in a jar. I’m nobody and I’m from nowhere, but in HIM I am deeply loved, and He never looks away from me. If He will do it for me, I know He will do it for you, but you have to choose Him. You have to labor to enter into His rest, and there He will hold you.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
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