It is a beautiful gift to believe in the all saving power and love of Jesus Christ. There is a ton of mystery and ambiguity and faith we accept when we choose to follow The Lord in this life. For some this may come easy, but for others it comes at a cost of wrestling and questioning.
After walking with the Lord through childhood and into college, I hit a deep season of doubt at the end of my freshman year. It came suddenly and I was confused by how easily my emotions and thoughts had led me to dissolve and question my faith. The truths and principles I had once built my life around felt unsure, and I had tons of questions. The hardest part was I felt I had lost my identity, value, and worth. I truly understood why Jesus described life without him as building a house on shifting sand (Matthew 7:24-27). My worth and value was tied directly to what I did and who I was, and it was exhausting.
Growing up in a Christian environment and surrounded by Christian friends, I felt shame for the questions I was having. I didn’t remember doubts being discussed often in church, and I felt like something was wrong with me because of my spiraling thoughts and emotions. A few weeks later, I reluctantly brought my thoughts to community and started working through what it looked like to wrestle with God. Through countless journal entries, flipping through my Bible, books, conversations, podcasts, Google searches, and praying to a God I wasn’t sure existed, the Lord was faithful to reveal himself to me. So often I had the faith of the father wishing that Jesus could heal his son as he cries out to Jesus, “I believe, help my unbelief!” in Mark 9:24. Like this story, the Lord met me amidst emotion and confusion and answered my uncertain prayers.
Contrary to how I once felt, I recognized that doubt was in fact normal. While it can lead to sin, doubt in and of itself is neutral. I was both surprised and encouraged by the number of people in the Bible that doubted. I was amazed that Jesus was not intimidated by their questions or offended by their lack of faith, despite walking with him in the flesh for a period of time. Throughout the Bible, the Lord continues to meet his people in their emotion, questions, and wrestling. This is found as early as Genesis 32:28 where Jacob wrestles with God and renames him Israel, “‘Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.’” The Lord goes on to care for the Isrealites, His people, named and therefore defined by this encounter of wrestling with Him.
I also found encouragement in the story of Thomas. Though he is often pinned in a negative light as “Thomas the doubter”, I don’t think he is much different from many of us. We all have questions and thoughts to some degree, and he was bold enough to seek an answer.
After Jesus had resurrected, the disciples had all seen Jesus except for Thomas, and he doubted that Jesus was actually alive. John 20:25-28 reads “But he (Thomas) said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.’ A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’ Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’ Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!’”
I love how Jesus does not sharply rebuke or correct Thomas. He does not lash out in anger and refer back to all the other miracles Thomas has watched over the course of following Him. Instead, Jesus presents himself to Thomas and invites Him to investigate and search for confirmation. Though Thomas previously said he would need to touch Jesus’s scars in order to believe, the Bible does not record this. It seems that whatever Thomas saw of Jesus was enough to convince him again of faith. In my own walk, I recognized that many of the questions and mysteries I was wrestling with would not be fully answered on this side of eternity. Faith, in and of itself is “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). I took comfort in the fact that, like Thomas, the Lord would reveal enough of himself to continue to give me faith.
Over the course of time, I started to believe and understand the gospel again. It was difficult, but beautiful. I have realized there is a ton of mystery and complexity in following a God so magnificent, all powerful, all knowing, and all controlling. Ephesians 3 consistently uses the word “mystery” to describe the fact that the Lord would forgive our sins, send Jesus to die on the cross, and call us his beloved children. Ephesians 3:6 - “This mystery is that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and the partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel.”
I look back on this season grateful for the perspective that I gained and the way my faith was strengthened. Belief and faith is a mystery. It is okay to realize that. But the Lord is real and good. Praise be to God who’s “divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life” (2 Peter 1:3) and who completes the good work He starts (Philippians 1:6). He is “patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). He “knows how weak we are, he remembers we are only dust” (Psalm 103:14) and “understands our weaknesses” (Hebrews 4:15). May we look back and see that “he never left them without evidence of himself and his goodness” (Acts 14:17). Let the words of Jeremiah 29:13 ring true in our lives - “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” He is above all and holding all, and He alone deserves the praise!
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