I’ve heard it a million times: “Your person will come, just wait.”
I’m sure you’ve probably heard this a lot too and if you’re anything like me, singleness feels like a trap and a never ending circumstance. There’s no “good” guys that go to your school and if there are, they’re taken or don’t meet your extremely perfect and unrealistic list you’ve fabricated based off of Hallmark movies. Yeah, I used to have one of those lists too. Seeing other people around you being with someone else, having someone to hangout with, and being able to take cute pictures with, makes you so jealous and you covet what they have. Yeah, I’ve also been there too. You feel like you’re alone and in some facet of your life, you just don’t quite measure up like everyone else. “Yeah, that’s gotta be it,” you tell yourself. But I wanna tell you something– that’s actually not it at all. What if I told you that maybe being single is actually the best for you right now, at this moment in your life. Would you believe me?
“Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” -James 1:16-17 (NIV)
My relational journey has been anything but a rollercoaster, more comparably like a ride you get on that just takes forever to start and you wonder if it’s broken. My view on singleness was quite narrow for so long and I coped with that unfulfilled desire by stroking my ego and pride. I definitely had a few crushes throughout high school and boys who I wanted SO badly to pursue me and in hindsight I am so glad that the Lord didn’t give me what I wanted during those years. Oh how different my life would look and how much heartbreak He has graciously saved me from.
During my junior year of high school, when my relationship with the Lord truly began to cultivate, I started to really pray about my future. One of my greatest desires is to be a wife and a mother someday so naturally that was very often what my prayers were about. Although I believe my intentions were pure during that time of my life and my heart was in the right place, I began to obsess over my future. Keep in mind, I was only in high school and something as serious as marriage shouldn’t have even been in the picture, heck, not even in the frame. Everyone’s love story is different, but for me, I had never been in a serious relationship so this was simply more of a heart problem. I listened to a multitude of podcasts, read blog posts, followed Instagram accounts, you name it. I was constantly and relentlessly obsessed with trying to prepare myself for one of my biggest dreams in life. Marriage is in no way shape or form a terrible thing. In fact, the Bible talks a lot about marriage and in Ecclesiastes 4, verses nine and ten, it says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” (NIV) Is it healthy to desire a Godly marriage? Absolutely! But when you begin to obsess and covet a relationship just because it is a desire of yours, just as I did, that’s when it is time for a heart check.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” - Mark 12:30 (NIV)
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well.” - Matthew 6:33 (NIV)
You see, I was not seeking the Kingdom of God, or even Jesus Himself, first. I had made marriage and being in a relationship an idol which goes against one of the 10 Commandments: “Do not make any idols.” (Exodus 34:17) (NIV) It is only by the Lord’s kindness and His grace towards me that He has opened the eyes of my heart to this realization. I can say in full confidence that the Lord knows me better than myself and more than anyone else will ever know me, therefore, He knows my deepest desires. I also know that there is a race set before me (like Hebrews 12 states) that I am called to run with endurance.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)
I know SO deeply that the Lord has a plan for my life greater than I could ever imagine, and He has one for you too. Just how crazy would we be to miss out on all the Lord has for us just because we want to be dating or married to someone right when we want it? The cost of living out the Lord’s will for your life is not worth derailing because of your own fleshly desires. What God has for you can not be taken away from you and will be given to you in due time- in Gods’ perfect timing. Rest in this promise.
I would be lying to you if I said that there aren’t moments when I feel very lonely and not worthy of a relationship. I would be lying to you if I said that there aren't times where I wish I had someone special to spend the little moments with. It’s in these moments that I have to remind myself that Jesus sees my heart and that He knows what’s best for me.
It’s been a hard lesson for me to learn but singleness is not a punishment from God. You are not single because He loves you less or because you are loved less by others. I’ve learned recently that Jesus answers our prayers and requests with a yes, no, or not just yet. If you’re single, like me, maybe you also have a desire to be in a relationship and married one day. I would encourage you out of love to use this season of your life to focus on what the Lord is doing in you and through you. This is the only time in your life where you don’t have to factor in a significant other in your decisions and everyday plans. Chase the dreams the Lord has set on your heart at full speed, pursuing Him FIRST and leaning on Him fully. For me, the game changed when I realized that singleness is an opportunity for preparation. Use this time wisely and ask the Lord to open your heart to things you can work on within yourself. Then, actually be proactive about it. Be comfortable being around yourself and get to know you better. When you realize how much the Lord values you, and you place all of your worth in Him, you’ll quickly realize that you don’t have to be in a relationship to derive your worth from, nor will you have to “fix yourself up” to make yourself worthy of a relationship. I think about Ephesians 1:4-8 and how powerful scripture verses are regarding how the Lord views each of us. It says: “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for the adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will– to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given is on the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.” (NIV) I know that’s a lot to unpack but how encouraging and special is it that the Lord chose YOU as His own before creation itself?! I would encourage you to find verses, such as Ephesians 1:4-8, that remind you of how much you are loved by The King of all kings; I can 100% guarantee that you will begin to understand how much you are valued outside of an earthly relationship when you fully believe with all your heart, mind, and soul that you are loved by the One who created love.
So how do we become content in singleness? For me it’s been a process of learning– learning to choose what to and what not to focus on/think about; learning to truly place my worth in the Lord; learning to live fully in the season I’m in instead of wishing it away. It’s freeing when you realize that you can control your thoughts and what you do and don’t allow into your mind. You can choose to not repeatedly think about having a significant other and the fact that you’re not in a relationship. You can choose to fill your mind with uplifting Truth and scripture. There is so much to focus on that the Lord has given you out love, rather than focusing on something that you do not have at the moment.
“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” -2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV)
To all my fellows singles out there, the Lord sees your heart, He hears your prayers, and He has a plan for you. Run the race Jesus has set before you, wisely prepare your heart, mind, and soul, and dig deep into communion with The Father because there’s truly nothing better.
“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Ephesians 4:1 (NIV)
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