If I’m being completely transparent, I’ve never taken more than a moment to consider if I had a testimony. In fact, I never knew I had one until I went to The Hills Retreat this summer and was told that my life itself is a testimony of God’s grace. Through the process of drafting for this post, my eyes have become more open to how the Lord’s fingerprints have been painted on this little life of mine. Our Lord is so grand and yet He cares so deeply about each of our hearts- that will never not blow my mind. I pray that the Lord will speak through me in these next few words I share with you and that they would resonate in your heart and soul.
“It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for me.” - Daniel 4:2
Fear is a feeling that is not foreign; we all experience it to some degree in our lives. It is binding, heart-hardening and crippling. As I mentioned earlier, I never thought I had testimony until very recently. I was very blessed with an amazing, God-fearing Mom and Dad who taught me from a very young age about the Lord. I was saved at the age of nine at Bible Time, a summer event my home church hosts every year. I remember experiencing the Lord in that moment and my heart beating really fast. I decided to give my life to the Lord that day and was baptized shortly after. Some background you should know about me is that I am the oldest of three (first kid syndrome) and definitely a type A personality. If you asked me to pinpoint the moment I allowed fear to enter into my heart and influence my decisions, I honestly couldn’t tell you. I think fear is something that seeps into the heart and mind over time if you allow it to and for me, it started at a young age.
My awesome Mom was a teacher at the elementary school I went to. This came with a multitude of benefits like not having to ride the bus or wait in the car-line, having snacks immediately after school, and getting to act like I had my very own classroom which gave me brownie-points during playground discussion. It also came with some downsides like staying after school until five thirty every day and sitting in the halls for hours during parent-teacher conferences…. teacher’s kids, y’all know the pain I’m talking about. When I look back on where the seed of fear was planted, the roots begin here. Every teacher knew my Mom and I had a reputation that began in Kindergarten in Mrs. Dillow’s class. Every teacher knew who I was and man did I love the attention. Little did I know this reputation and identity I began to build around my Mom’s status at my school would follow me into middle school and lead to deeper issues.
Middle school rolled around, along with teenagers who didn’t know how to use deodorant, and girls who were boy crazy. I found out very quickly that the staff there didn’t know who I was and it was oddly hard for me to get over that fact. A part of this reputation I was trying to upkeep was always looking put together because you know, we were the put-together, Christian family who always had it all together… not. I always put so much pressure on myself to look perfect; my type A-ness didn’t help me at all in this situation either. By doing this I began to create an image for myself-- keyword: myself. I craved attention from others to comment on how cute my outfit was or how well-done my hair looked. I feared that others would think I wasn’t perfect if I let down my guard when in actuality I was never perfect to begin with.
“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty of our sins.” - Romans 3:23-24 (NLT)
Fear was all consuming at this point of my life. I feared that my parents would be disappointed in me if I made a bad grade or if one of my coaches would think I wasn’t good enough if I didn’t know a cheer or didn’t score as low as the other girls during a golf match. I deeply feared my friends liking someone more than they liked me and if guys would ever like me. Everyone just seemed like competition and I was determined to be at the top. Why? Because I feared not being the best and the “perfect” person everyone wanted to be like. When I look back now, I just wish I could sit down with middle school Anna and tell her how much Jesus really loves her and how love from others will never fill the emptiness she felt.
In ninth grade, I moved up to high school and again, these fears followed me and continued to seep into the crevasses of my heart. I was offered multiple leadership positions throughout my four years, which I enjoyed but mostly for the wrong reasons. When I look back on the past, what makes me the most sad is thinking about all the opportunities I missed to glorify the Lord because of how hard-hearted I was since I had allowed fear to gain all of my attention. I genuinely believed that I couldn’t cry in front of anyone because it would show that I was weak therefore shattering my “perfect reputation” I had been building for so long. Between cheer, golf and dance, everything was all about me- I existed only to make myself more well-known. A verse that describes my heart and attitude towards God during this time would definitely be Ephesians 4:18-19 which says,
“Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him.” (NLT)
It wasn’t until highschool, during sophomore year, that I began to really be convicted about the way I was living. I also decided to end participating in competitive cheerleading which turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in disguise. I think one thing the devil did so well during this extended period of time in my life was make all of my struggles internal. My family always went to church, my parents loved me so deeply, I never did anything super bad like some of the other kids I compared myself to, and I was saved by the Lord while all of this was happening. I was constantly feeling so torn between listening to my flesh and the spirit- always on the verge of tears but not allowing myself to let it out.
It wasn’t until the summer going into my junior year that Jesus fully opened the eyes of my heart to the fact that I had become an idol in my own life and created identities wrapped around worldly things. I had somehow come around to reading a copy of Sadie Robertson’s book, Live Fearless and the Lord truly used this book to speak to me in enormous ways. I remember when so much of the things I had always been told and had heard went from my mind to my heart and I actually began to apply them. I took my Bible out of my nightstand for the first time in a long time and began studying it. I was so curious about Jesus and who He was; He no longer seemed like this Almighty God who had always seemed so daunting and dismissive all of my life. He was personal and He called me His own.
Fast forward a few months into senior year, fear came in waves again but this time I tried my best to guard my heart with Truth. And being completely vulnerable, I still had, and even to this day, struggle with fear regarding my future. Deep fears I struggled with then were thoughts such as: I wouldn’t get any offers to play golf like I had always dreamed of and even if I did, would it be where Jesus wanted me to be? I feared that my teachers and colleagues would disapprove of my decision of where to go and I would be judged because of it. I feared losing my identity as an athlete if I didn’t play in college. I feared that my parents wouldn’t love me and still be proud of me the same if I decided not to play. I was swimming in confusion and stress, unclear about which way was up. I just want to take a moment and say that if you’re walking through that right now, rest fully in fact that the Lord knows exactly what your future holds. A verse that I would read almost every day during this season was Proverbs 3:5-6 which says,
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.” (NIV)
My college decision process is a miracle in itself but definitely a story I will talk more about another day. Through all the stress and fear of the unknown my senior year, the Lord was so immensely faithful to me. I now attend my dream school, Clemson University, and the Lord has been so gracious to me with the community and incredible friends He has given me. It’s kind of crazy how different college is; no one knew me when I walked onto campus which was intimidating and daunting. I feared that I would change in college but then the Lord showed me that change isn’t actually bad, it just means you’re growing as a person. College has really put into perspective for me how small I am in the body of Christ. Not minute in a demeaning way but in an incredibly uplifting way. Jesus has given me friends who deeply care about the Lord and pursue Him- something I have never had before. As for fear- man it is a liar and wants to steal your joy. I am still learning to navigate my fears but one thing I now can say I know for sure is that my fears don’t determine who I am, what I do, nor my worth. There is freedom in Christ. There is peace in Jesus’ name. He does not hold you to a standard of perfection, and neither should you. The Lord wants to take your fears from you, in fact, He already did when He was crucified on the cross and died for you. Jesus loves you so much and He’s bigger than all your fears combined and multiplied by 100. In Jesus Christ we don’t have to live by the ways of the flesh just like Romans 8:12 says,
“Therefore, brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do.” (NLT)
Although my story may not be one of tremendous loss and tragedy, it is one filled with fear and idolization. I have had to learn that my life story is not any less important than a person who has had more life experience. For the girl who can relate to me, bound in chains of fear and worldly identities, there is freedom for you. I can say this because this is truly the only reason I am able to share what you are reading right now. Not even a year ago I would’ve been more than terrified to put my testimony on the internet for just anyone to read. However, now I am able to dance in the freedom that my identity is found in Jesus and my pride is worth WAY less than another girls’ heart that the Lord could use this to minister to. Be bold for the Lord. Love deeply. Be kind. Pray for a servant’s heart.
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”
- Philippians 2:13 (NIV)
i love the honesty and relatableness of this story and the hidden wisdom behind simple words ♡ thank you for sharing your life anna. love youuuuu