Anna and I talked months ago about writing for her blog, and I must confess up front, it has been so hard to narrow down that ONE WORD that I would really want to share with a younger me, as well as a younger you who is reading this today. But of all the subjects that God has brought to mind, I can’t quite shake this one particular sentence:
You are not enough, but you were never meant to be.
Yes, you read that correctly. You are not enough.
I’m asking you to stick with me for a few minutes because, trust me, I know how contradictory this statement reads to the piercing voices of our culture.
Don’t get it twisted, I’m here for being self-confident and having a healthy balance of self-care, but sisters, this movement that social media has conceived over the last few years that we should always put ourselves first is an absolute lie from the enemy. Truly, it’s one of his greatest working schemes in your generation and mine. So, let’s talk about it, like actually talk about it.
I surrendered my heart to Jesus when I was seven years old, grew up in church, and was blessed to be raised in a home where my parents modeled service with their lives. My parents were always passionate about empowering me to walk with a spirit of power, love, and self-control rather than one of timidity (2 Timothy 1:7), especially as a young woman. They never wanted my voice to be stifled by others or my heart to grow cold from the weight of the world around me; while I was still under their roof, I remained steadfast in this. However, like many of you reading, I left home to go to school, where I also had the awesome opportunity to play volleyball.
I have never been naïve to the tension of being a young woman with a bold voice who is unafraid to speak Truth, but this difficulty became apparent pretty quickly when I was in college and away from all of my people. I remember the pull of my heart reminding me to walk in the power of the Spirit, but it did not take long before I was compromising His power for my own. Following Jesus takes major steadfastness, and being away from your trustworthy circle can make it really easy to minimize Truth.
As my confidence began to take hits from challenging situations, especially in my relationships, the voices around me did their best to encourage me. However, their words were much more of their own “truths” than the Truth of the Word. To the enemy’s credit, this was a pretty slick tactic. I mean, let’s be real, who doesn’t want to trust and lean on the encouragement of their friends and teammates?? As my heart grew wearier from the weight of circumstances, I remember compromising what I knew to be true for the easier route; I was desperate to lift some weight off of my own shoulders! But none of this was not new to Jesus.. In fact, He warned His followers about this very thing in His Sermon on the Mount:
“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” Matthew 7:13-14 ESV
What I missed in the middle of my mess was that I was on a path leading to DESTRUCTION! All I wanted, so desperately, was to have a little relief from the weight of people. The advice I received the most in this season was that I needed to 1) take better care of myself and 2) stop caring so much about other people and their thoughts. Everything I knew to be true of Jesus told me that He valued rest of body and soul, but He, still, never missed an opportunity to love and serve others, regardless of His agenda (Mark 6:30-42).
The destructive “advice” I was hearing sounded very different than what Scripture says, but truthfully, it never sounded like it was bad for me, either. In fact, it sounded like a better way of life that could FINALLY lighten my load. Sister—this is the enemy’s goal; DON’T MISS IT! If he can convince you that ANYTHING of this world is better or has more to offer than the Kingdom of Heaven, He has you right where He wants you.
So, I decided to try this new way of life that, in essence, had a “screw you if it’s better for me” mentality. Don’t worry, though, because I made it look really nice!! I’d wrapped it in a beautiful display, tied it off with a big ole bow, and addressed the tag to self-care, which allowed me to keep feeling like an awesome person! Self-care came in many packages in those days: binging any and every show on Netflix alone in my dark room, mindlessly scrolling through social for hours at a time, frequently turning down opportunities to spend time with others, being a poor steward by online shopping multiple days a week, secluding myself from community (even spiritual community), skipping church because I needed to sleep in, and this is just the beginnings of my list. If I had to guess, you probably do a lot of these things too, and you also probably try to convince yourself that you’re just taking care of yourself! Please don’t misunderstand me here—these are not all bad things in moderation, but if they become your lifestyle because you are on the throne of your heart and booted the King of Kings out of His rightful seat, we have a serious problem.
The very things that had initially offered me relief had, over time, left me empty and unsatisfied. It was a heart problem, and I did not even have a clue about it. What started out so innocently and had been offered as advice by people who wanted to see me happier and lighter became idolatry before my very eyes. It took me a long time to be able to see it, but I had become my own god.. My time, my schedule, my plans, my care, you name it, became far more important to me than anything God was wishing to use me for or even do for me. And sister, while I had to learn this the hard way, please take my word when I tell you that you and I make for some really crappy gods. God had to put me back in my place and remind me who I really am in this whole picture versus who He is. But, as Romans 2:4 states, it is His “kindness that is meant to lead us to repentance” (ESV).
Sometimes, we have to learn lessons the hard way so we can approach God with true humility that recognizes the bigger picture. Because I had discovered firsthand that I was a really bad god, I was pointed back to the cross, face-to-face with His unwavering character. Because I had neglected the promptings of the Holy Spirit in an attempt to just rest for a little while, I was reminded that He has invited me in to be a part of His greater work and I was missing out. Because I chose selfishness, I had to dwell on the heart posture of the Suffering Servant and remember that He came not to be served, but to serve. Because I tried to be my own god, I so clearly saw (and still see) that I am not enough to be lord of my life; that is far too lofty a task for my sinful flesh. However, I know the One who is enough.
Take courage, sweet sister. You are not enough, but that should not lead to hopeless insecurity and wandering. This does not have to be an identity crisis, but with a humble spirit, it can be the greatest sigh of relief you may have let out in a long time. May you find rest knowing the One who IS enough and who is meant to be your God. He can handle all of you; let that kindness draw you to repentance.
Keep going, sister. Fix your eyes on Jesus, seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness. It’s always better His way.
Love always,
Kelsi Hope Jones
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