I first want to thank Anna for creating a beautiful space for women to learn from peers but also those in different life stages who might be older or younger than us college students. It has been such a joy getting to know the creator of this blog and her heart for those around her. Getting asked to write a blog post there was and still is so much excitement to share the knowledge that God has shown me but also fear that I would not write the correct thing. Instead of giving some awestrucking wisdom piece, I have decided to share what God has done in my own life, yes a testimonial piece but I promise there are some takeaways or as some might say action steps.
The idea of begin loved by God was something I had never truly grasped. I grew up as a pastor’s kid and knew the whole gospel story. I could say how it was an act of incredible love but knowledge does not equal belief or true feelings. As I grew up life was good and pretty consistent, not easy but consistent. Nearing the end of my 8th grade year my life began to take a turn. In May of 8th grade, my grandma, Pana, passed away. Her death changed the course of how my life was. To say she was a big part of my life would be an understatement, she was one of the primary people who took care of me and guided me in my faith. She was the person who gave me my first Bible, taught my Sunday school classes, and overall provided for me and my family in ways that were much needed. She was a foundational piece in my life and my 8th grade year she was so quickly taken away. Following that year it seemed like God was against me in every aspect of life. My niece got diagnosed with a brain disorder, and I ended up moving from Orlando Florida to Greenville, SC (leaving everyone I grew up with and knew me entirely) in between 9th and 10th grade. My 10th grade year was filled with a lot of flights down to Florida not knowing when my niece was going to pass away and sitting in hospital waiting rooms each time being relieved that we got a little longer with her. January of my sophomore year, life hit me like a truck. The rest of my grandparents, uncle, and niece passed away in a span of 3 months. Grief hits hard and strikes in moments that are not desired or expected. As months continued to pass,feelings were quite confused, tears continuously streamed down my face but only in the dark. Slowly but surely anger began to build up-not to anyone in my life but to someone who gave me so much yet took away so much, God. I blamed God for every loss that my family and I had, I blamed Him for the feeling of emptiness which comes with loss. With anger comes resentment toward the Lord and the situation he had set before me. I slowly began to walk towards a different path and away from the light. I pushed all grief and agony to the back of my brain and tried to invade my head and life with friends who hurt me and environments that harmed me in every aspect. By the end of my junior year of high school I had fallen so hard and recognized the environments that surrounded myself with did not aid me in any way. The summer before my senior year God met me in incredible ways over a mission trip. For the first time I wept not in agony but in gratitude. God gave me friends that challenged my faith and showed me mercy and knowledge in so many ways. In Proverbs 18:24 it says,“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”(ESV). I finally found friends who chose my best interest instead of leading me down a path that brings momentary joy. He set before me one of the biggest blessings of my life, a strong connection to my family that will last a lifetime.
Grief has a funny way of teaching you life lessons. With grief comes a space of vulnerability that one needs to enter. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it says, “…therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (ESV). I have learned that once I spoke about the challenges I faced and the errors I made to avoid grieving, it brought so much peace but also created a strength within me to share the work of the Lord. Through grieving I have learned and continuously am learning about being loved in a way that is so beyond the realm of earthly love. The Lord took me from complete and utter darkness and put me on a rock high above anything I could imagine. Although I thought and wish that the process of grieving was over, everyday you still have to choose to take action steps, choose to ask the Lord for guidance and grace. Grieving is the action section of processing any form of trauma, and is one of the coolest ways I have been able to connect to nonbelievers and believers. One verse that i continuously remind myself of is Psalm 61:1-3, “Hear my cry, O God,listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy” (ESV).
My advice to anyone in the grieving process would be to let someone in, don’t be scared to be vulnerable because that truly is the first step to healing. Also choose to sit in gratitude, I know that sounds weird, but God has set this situation before you and knows that this challenge is only going to grow you and your ability to share the gospel. For those not in this process, do not be afraid to step into the process with those grieving, it is lonely walking this process and truly all we need is friends to lift us up because it feels like an anchor pulling you down. Secondly, choose to continuously pray that God is giving you armor to confront these challenges because they are coming because they are there to grow us in every aspect of our lives. Thirdly, continuously thank God for the life He has given you and the people that have crossed your path because in one way or another you have learned something from them. Let yourself grieve because it produces some of the greatest fruits.
Comments