This past October I turned 40! I wasn’t afraid of it at all and was actually looking forward to this milestone. I’ve lived through some pretty interesting decades with some interesting experiences, in my opinion. I feel like this past year, the past two years really, have allowed me to reflect on some things in my life. (One thing, I’m musically inclined, so I think in lyrics and these thoughts are surrounded by several songs. The one that stands out the most to me is “Goodness of God” (Bethel Music), so imagine that song playing in the background because it is playing for me.)
The Merriam-Webster definition for reflection is “a thought, idea, or opinion formed or a remark made as a result of meditation”. Reflection allows for you to learn from your mistakes, fuel great ideas, it helps you help others, and, most of all, gives you perspective. For me, my perspective of God’s goodness has changed drastically.
I love You, Lord
For your mercy never fails me
All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
I think back to all of the times in my life where I know I deserved the absolute worst but He gave me mercy. For every time I’ve turned my back on Him, was lazy about serving, all of the disbelief, all the “stinkin’ thinkin’”, He never let me go. I can literally sit in my home surrounded by my children now and think of unfathomable amounts of times He has provided, sustained, protected, and healed. Through all of the blessings, disappointments, deaths (and death hurts so deeply), financial strains, parenting quandaries, He brought us through it. I have so much to thank Him for!
The onset and initial quarantine of the pandemic was an opportunity for my family and I to slow down. During this time, we were able to reflect on our priorities and reorient ourselves with what really mattered most to us.
Prior to the pandemic, almost a month and a half before we were sent home from school, a very tragic and traumatic experience happened for my family. We had prayed for this situation and believed that it would turn out all right. I truly believed He was going to answer that prayer just as we had asked, and I was ready to give Him glory. With a circle of friends, I had poured my heart and soul into prayer and scripture for this particular situation and was so sure “we” would be “victorious”. I claimed Ephesians 3:20-21 as scripture to meditate on, believing that what we were asking was “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask and or think”.
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (NKJV)
When it didn’t turn out the way we had thought, it was quite devastating to say the least. This happened in January. I felt like I floated through February. Later I realized that I don’t remember much because it was so traumatizing .
The part I do recall thinking during that February was “ But You said to ask and I shall receive. I have asked. Why didn’t “we” receive?” Nothing made sense. Disbelief was so prevalent. I guess “numb” is the best word to describe where I was at that time. I was still working, mothering, serving, etc. No time for slow downs or reflection.
The onset of the pandemic shook me out of it.
I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
In the darkest night
You are close like no other
I’ve known you as a Father
I’ve known you as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God
That March day when our Governor spoke on television regarding shutting down schools was so wild to me. I can tell you where I was, who I was with, and being in disbelief again. I had no idea what was coming in terms of work, my students, my own family, so I did what most type A people do, I planned and then quietly panicked.
I knew that afternoon I had to get whatever things situated at work and get my daughter to an important appointment. I delegated the grocery shopping to my oldest son since he could drive. We would need immense provisions with three teens in the house. I couldn’t go in two different directions. I remember telling him, “No matter how any other adult acts, you remain calm and respectful at the grocery store. Many people are going to be scared and may lash out. Stay calm, get the goods, and get home.”
On the “long” drive to Oconee Connector for the appointment for my daughter, it hit me that I had possibly just sent my child into the lion’s den, but a country boy can survive. This side of town, normally hopping, was eerily quiet for this time of day. I remember thinking the doctor’s office was hauntingly empty. It was so empty that they unexpectedly offered to do the procedure that day.
So now I’ve got one child “out in the word” getting groceries and one child in a minor surgical procedure. Thankfully, my in-laws had taken my third child to a golf match for me. Whew! I do recall wondering if this was the end of the world. SO. MANY. THINGS!
We returned home and that began our March to May digital teaching and learning experiences. No practices after school. No other community events. Just the five of us, the dogs, and all the farm critters. I turned off the TV, literally. It was very quiet.
It was during this time frame that I had “free time” to reflect on all the things. It was quiet, and here is where I heard from God.
Remember that exceedingly abundantly above all we could think or ask for? Well, I’ve learned that we don’t get to define that. He does because He knows best. And for the situation that was so traumatizing to my family, boy did He do more than we could have asked. Never in a million years would I have ever pondered the outcome, not just the earthly outcome, but the eternal outcome. He had provided, just as He had promised. When this realization happened, I perked right up.
There had not been a defeat! In fact, there was victory, a victory like no other could have given. To Him be the Glory! At this point, reflecting on the past years of my life-each milestone, each setback, each birth, each death, each blessing, each disappointment, moves, changes, etc.- all came to the simple conclusion that He knows what He is doing and that all I had to do was trust in Him so all the worry, the anxiety, the emotions that he didn’t ask us to carry could all be placed on Him.
I reflected back on a verse of scripture a cousin of mine gave me on a bookmark when I was a child.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV) “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”
There it was, plain and simple. All I had to do was trust Him. Reflect back on all the things we did without during that time frame, like toilet paper. He reminded me that this world is not my home. Matthew 6:19-21 (KJV) says “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” I think of the ones gone on to Heaven and how sweet it will be to see them again one day. All of the reflecting He has allowed me to do is just refining me. He’s still working on me to make me what I ought to be…
And all my life You have been faithful
All my life You have been so, so good.
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
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